Skip to main content
FMLY5-min read

Co-Parenting from the Inside Out

By Karen L. Kristjanson

#Co-parenting#Divorce#Shared parenting#Conflict resolution#Self-management#Personal growth

Section 1: Analysis & Insights

Executive Summary​

Thesis: Effective co-parenting starts "from the inside out." You cannot control your ex, legal system, or past. You can only control your own reactions, growth, and boundaries. By treating the co-parenting relationship as a business partnership focused on the "client" (the child), you can minimize conflict and maximize stability.

Unique Contribution: Kristjanson interviews 42 diverse parents (high-conflict, LGBTQ, long-distance) and synthesizes their wisdom. The shift from "Ex-Spouse" (emotional) to "Co-Parent" (functional) is the central pivot.

Target Outcome: A functional, child-centered partnership where children feel free to love both parents without guilt, and parents have moved on to their own separate, fulfilled lives.

Chapter Breakdown​

  • The Foundation: How to separate the "Marital Relationship" from the "Parenting Relationship."
  • The Challenges: Handling differing rules, new partners, and money.
  • The Self: Dealing with grief, anger, and the "Inner Critic."
  • The Voices: Real stories from moms and dads in the trenches.

Nuanced Main Topics​

The Business Partnership Model​

Treat your ex like a business partner you don't necessarily like but must work with.

  • Professionalism: Polite, brief, topic-focused.
  • Meeting Agendas: Don't just "talk." Have a list.
  • No Intimacy: Share kids' news, not personal life.
  • Goal: The success of the "Enterprise" (Raising healthy kids).

The "Inside Out" Control​

Most co-parenting books talk about schedules and rules. Kristjanson argues that Self-Management is the real skill. If you are triggered by your ex's email, the schedule doesn't matter. You must do the inner work (therapy, grieving, anger management) to show up as a calm adult.

The Syllabus of "Different Houses"​

Kids are adaptable. They can handle "Mom's Rules" vs. "Dad's Rules" (just like School Rules vs. Home Rules). The damage comes when parents fight about the difference. Accept that you cannot control what happens in the other house (safety exceptions aside). Frame it as "Different styles," not "Wrong style."

Acceptance of Reality​

You have to accept the divorce as it is, not as you wish it were. You might wish for a 50/50 split, but if your ex is an alcoholic, reality dictates otherwise. You might wish they were actively involved, but they are absent. Parenting based on reality (not fantasy/resentment) prevents burnout.

Section 2: Actionable Framework

The Checklist​

  • Define the Boundary: "We are business partners, not friends/enemies."
  • Communication Protocol: Switch to email/text only (avoid face-to-face conflict).
  • The "BIFF" Rule: Keep messages Brief, Informative, Friendly, and Firm.
  • Separate Finances: Clean break. Child support is automatic/business.
  • Grieve: Do your crying with a therapist/friend, not your child.
  • No Bad-Mouthing: The ex is a part of your child. Insulting the ex insults the child.

Implementation Steps (Process)​

Process 1: The Communication Detox​

Purpose: Lower conflict temperature.

Steps:

  1. Channel Check: Move all logistics to email or a co-parenting app (like OurFamilyWizard).
  2. Pause: Wait 24 hours before replying to anything triggering.
  3. Edit: Remove all adjectives, emotions, and history. State facts. (e.g., "Please pick up at 5" instead of "You're always late, so try to be there at 5").
  4. Send: Keep it strictly about the child.

Process 2: The "Two House" Transition​

Purpose: Ease the switch for the child.

Steps:

  1. Neutral Drop-off: Curbside if possible. Smile, say "Have fun," and drive away.
  2. The Buffer: Give the child 30 mins to "land" when they return. Don't interrogate ("What did Dad feed you?").
  3. Stuff: Keep basics (toothbrush, pajamas) at both houses so they don't have to pack a suitcase every time.
  4. Ritual: A consistent hug/high-five goodbye.

Process 3: The "Different Rules" Conversation​

Purpose: Explain discrepancy without blame.

Steps:

  1. Child Asks: "Dad lets me stay up till 11!"
  2. Validate: "Wow, that sounds fun."
  3. Differentiate: "At Dad's house, that's the rule. At Mom's house, lights out is at 9 because we have school."
  4. Enforce: "I love you. Goodnight." (Don't defend or attack Dad's rule).

Process 4: Managing the "Trigger"​

Purpose: "Inside Out" regulation.

Steps:

  1. Recognize: Your heart is racing because of a text.
  2. Name: "I am angry because I feel controlled."
  3. Release: Vent to a friend, journal, or scream in a pillow.
  4. Reframe: "He is acting from his own anxiety. It is not about me."
  5. Respond: Reply professionally once calm.

Common Pitfalls​

  • The Messenger: "Tell your father..." (Puts child in the middle).
  • The Spy: "Who is Dad dating?" (Makes child feel unfaithful).
  • The Disney Parent: Competing for love with gifts/trips. (Be the parent, not the pal).
  • The Victim: Venting to the child about how "Mom took all the money." (Parentification).